LESSON 5

Sexual Desire and Response

When it comes to relationship or couples therapy, the most common problem I am asked to deal with is a mismatch in desire, or libido, as it is sometimes known.

What do you do when one half of a couple wants more sex than the other, and it’s causing conflict and resentment in the relationship?

It’s important for people to understand exactly what desire is for them, how their body responds to desire.

Let’s look at some history of desire, what desire is and the two desire patterns.

Video #1 – What is sexual desire

So, what is sexual desire? Well, it’s a huge topic and different things for different people but broadly speaking It’s the interest you have in being sexual, the want to do it, the appetite you have for sex.

Video #2 – Spontaneous vs responsive desire

We know now what desire IS, but did you know there are two ways that we start to FEEL desire …

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Here are some questions that can help you reflect on your own experiences, challenges, and understanding of sexual desire. The are designed to help you gain insights into your own sexual desires and understand the factors that influence your libido.

  • How would you describe your level of desire for sex in a relationship? Do you feel that your sexual desire has matched that of your partners, or is there a mismatch? How has this impacted your relationships?
  • The idea of the Sexual Excitation System (SE) and the Sexual Inhibition System (SI) explains how the brain “accelerates” or “brakes” sexual desire. Can you identify any moments when your own “brakes” (SI) were more active than your “accelerator” (SE)? What kinds of thoughts, experiences, or stressors tend to put the brakes on your desire?
  • Are there any specific triggers or things you see, hear, or feel that tend to “accelerate” your sexual desire (SE)? Can you think of moments when these triggers have made you feel more aroused or interested in sex?
  • Do you ever feel pressure, either from societal expectations or from a partner, to have more sex than you actually desire? How does this affect your experience of intimacy and your relationship?
  • This lesson touches on how desire can be impacted by mental or emotional factors. How do stress, work, or personal life impact your sexual desire? How do you or how could you manage these influences in your relationship?
  • Do you feel that discussing sexual desire openly with a partner would help to reduce feelings of shame or frustration? Could you initiate these conversations with empathy and understanding?

These questions will encourage you to think about your own experiences with spontaneous and responsive desire, and how these concepts might impact your sexual behaviour and relationships.

  • Reflecting on the information shared, do you find that you tend to experience spontaneous desire (feeling horny out of nowhere) or responsive desire (feeling aroused after a stimulus like a kiss or touch)? Which one resonates with you more, and why?
  • How does the type of desire you experience show up in your actions? Do you tend to initiate sex more readily, or do you need some kind of external stimulation (like a kiss or a romantic gesture) to spark your arousal?
  • Many movies, TV shows, and even pornography often portray spontaneous desire as the “norm,” especially for men. Does this idea of what’s ‘normal’ around desire affect how you think about your own desire? How does it impact your self-esteem or how you view your sexual functioning?
  • If you’re in a relationship, think about your partner’s sexual desire patterns. Do they align with spontaneous or responsive desire? Do you find that one of you is typically more proactive in initiating sex while the other responds to physical or emotional cues? How does this dynamic influence your relationship? Consider sharing this video or discussing the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire with them.