LESSON 7

Arousal and Non-Concordance

With spontaneous desire, the want to have sex is there at the outset. We feel excitement and then arousal follows on from that.

With responsive desire, desire often kicks in later once arousal has started. For arousal to get started, we need a stimulus, and, before that, we need to be willing to engage intimately with our partner, to be receptive to them and their touch.

Many people happily seek out emotional connection, intimacy, and skin-on-skin contact, and this provides the stimulus for arousal. Whilst the body is becoming more and more aroused, desire kicks in.

In this video we’ll look at two parts of arousal, firstly what arousal is and how it looks, then we’ll talk about non-concordance.

Take Action

Here are some reflective questions to help you explore your own experience of arousal, desire, and their unique patterns:

  • Do you know when you are truly turned on? What physical sensations or changes occur in your body when aroused?
  • Have you ever felt physically aroused without actually wanting to have sex, or the opposite – felt mentally ready for sex without the physical arousal following?
  • How do you feel when your body and mind seem out of sync when it comes to sex? Does it cause confusion, frustration, or embarrassment? Does it stop you from having sex, or make it less enjoyable.
  • Can you use these insights to improve communication with a partner and create conditions for more fulfilling sex?

It’s common knowledge that the penis experiences an erection during arousal when it becomes engorged with blood, but how many of you would have noticed the changes to the vulva?

It is important for the vulva to be fully aroused, for penetrative sex to be more pleasurable and comfortable, and for orgasms to be more easily achieved.

Take a look at the pdf to notice the changes to the penis and the vulva during arousal. (Warning – explicit content) Think about how these pictures make you feel.